Exile

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Ok, this is the only story I've ever written and shown anyone but a couple of friends. Your friends will always tell you it's good even if it stinks. So tell me what you think:

The chamber was more of a cavern, dark and cold, and smelled heavily of magic. A single candle stub served as the only light for the entire chamber, casting bizarre shadows on the walls. The only occupant of the room sat in a large wooden chair, carved with the evil beasts of the under world. His head was resting on his hand, his fingers entwined in the short graying hair above his brow. He pulled at the roots in frustration, his eyes glaring down at the table he had just cleared with an angry sweep of his arm.
His head shot up as he heard the faint sound of wings. News he thought, as he lifted his hand and turned the palm up. A slight weight landed in his waiting hand and in a blink, a small dark fairy appeared. The man frowned at his silence. The fairy’s back was stiff and proud as he formally announced she had been found.
The man’s lips twisted in a smile, while the rest of his face remained grim. The fairy flew up into the air and left the chamber, afraid of the expression in his master’s eyes.
“Good,” the mage said to himself as he left his chair and began preparing for the second part of his plan.

Paige sat in her chair in the corner away from the hearth, desperately trying to get her hands to form the small perfect stitches Aunt had showed her. She winced as she pricked herself again with the needle. Aunt grunted, and stood from her chair to take the small piece of fabric away from the 12 year old child.
“You're too stupid to handle a simple piece of embroidery,” the angry guardian grumbled, “you're of no use to me, your cursed girl. Leave, you can continue after supper.” Paige got up and quietly thanked Aunt and calmly walked to the door of the simple cottage. When she was out of sight, her face relaxed into a wide smile that announced her freedom until her next meal. She ran into the woods, looking for some company.
When she caught her breath, she found the ancient tree with the secret markings and sat with her back against the trunk. Clearing her mind, she called out with the mind speech. This was routine, to find any moment during the day to come to this spot and reach out to any one or thing that would hear her call. She didn’t remember her parents, but she knew she must have inherited this skill, or as Aunt called it her curse. Within a few minutes, a young owl had perched itself on her raised knee.
Paige sat listening intently to the owl, who had a lot to say about nothing. She wasn’t bothered by the silly talk of the inexperienced owl, but was more grateful for his company. She was too busy reminding the owl he had already told that particular story not two minutes ago, that she didn’t notice the sky darkening with unnatural purple clouds.
The bird abruptly stopped talking as it noticed the strange clouds touching down to the earth a moment before Paige did. As the sharp, pungent smell of magic wafted down, she immediately went to run, but found herself being held down by a force greater then her own. She sat and watched helpless as the clouds curled into a ghostly image of a middle-aged man. The smell became sour as the lips of the cloud man moved in a silent curse. Paige tried to tap into her own magic, which Aunt said was the reason she had been sent away from her mother, to free herself; but her attempts where in vain.
Then as abruptly as he’d come, the cloud man disappeared. Slowly she was able to move again, but she was extremely weakened. It took her some time to stand and even slower to make her way back the cottage. She stumbled through the door to find Aunt standing over the cooking fire, the stew boiling. Aunt turned toward the sound in the doorway and stood frozen, mouth hanging open and ladle still in hand. When the ladle hit the doorframe next to her ear, Paige tried to ask for help. Her voice came out in a croak, only causing Aunt to scream. She ducked out of the house before a heavy pan had a chance to make contact with her head.
She looked wildly around her and to her dismay, the only shelter she could find from her hysterical aunt was the woods. Half running half tumbling, she made her way under the green canopy. Taking a different route from the one earlier, she made her way into the heart of the forest. She stopped on a slop leading to the stream that ran through the exact center of the woods. Completely lost for breath, she slumped down on the bank. Reaching her cupped hands into the water she gazed down at her reflection. Her once brown locks were changed into a straight silver black. Her complexion changed from sun tanned to a metallic white. And her once wide green eyes were slanted and black. She understood Aunt’s reaction, as she stared into the mirror-like stream.

 

And here I am again to spam in yet another thread. I agree with your friends, it is good though you probably could have given more information on the aunt but anyway, its too late now.

 

Beef it up a little, Serena Lynx, and add more information on who the characters are and give a hint to their purpose. You see, it seems almost like an excerpt from an excellent fantasy story - your sensory description of the entire setting is great, but you should keep that up while adding plot and purpose, and you'll have an interesting and exciting story here. Add more background, tie it all together, that sort of thing.

 

Thats exactly what I'm talking about. Also, I'm sure the name could do with some improvement (there must be about a hundred books titled 'Exile')

 

That's really good Serena. And agreeing with the others, it's hard to be sure what's happening in the story. Backround is always important. It's okay to have 1 mystery character, but 3 it's hard to follow.

[This message has been edited by Shadow_Goddess (edited July 02, 2002).]

 

Well, here's more of a background, and a bit more on "Aunt" I more or less try to add the background in throughout the story. But you were defiantly right. I know it’s still lacking but that’s why I’m posting it here, for the pointers

In a field of wild grass, a screaming bundle lay. The storm clouds made the grass whip against the precious burden, above it an image of a woman took shape. The sculpture of clouds formed the all-too-familiar form of her younger sister. It was surprising how detailed the clouds could make the image; the intricate design of the woven ceremonial robes to the sweet ringlets that encircled her face. From the hollow eyes, a single tear rolled down a cheek as the cloud-woman looked up at the storming sky, then back down to the bundle. A small angry fist protruded from the swaddling clothes and the cloud-woman knelt down before the infant. Picking her up, the woman kissed the child, and offered her to the dreamer.

A woman woke in her bed, the images of the dream fresh in her mind. Outside the sturdy walls of her cottage, she heard the angry roar of the storm. When the images did not fade, she realized it wasn’t a dream, but a dream-message. Her sister’s trademark. This is wonderful, the woman thought, I have to care for her child now. I’m surprised she can’t handle something so minor as an infant. She carried the bitter thoughts with her as she walked across the humble adobe and opened the door. There she found the screaming infant on the doorstep, now sleeping. The storm was dying down, the angry clouds retreating. They weren’t the clouds from the dream; these were as normal as any storm clouds In the dream, the clouds were a sinister purple hue. She picked up the child as if it were a disgusting rag, and brought it into the cottage closing the door to the storm.

The child grew not knowing her parents, only Aunt. Aunt wasn’t a bad woman, she just disliked her sister and her sister’s daughter who was left in her care. Paige had no idea Aunt’s distaste for her mother was jealously. All she knew of her mother was she had been honored with a position that no woman (in Aunt’s mind) should have. It was heavily involved in magic and it was rare that a woman would have the ability to harness any magical skill.
Paige only asked Aunt once why she had been sent away. Aunt only shouted and sent her outside. She did that often, especially when she did magic. Paige wasn’t very good, and could only do minor tricks, after all she never had any training. Perhaps she would have if her mother had wanted her around. Her one great skill was the ability to talk to animals. This was great for her because she lived so far from the village, and found Aunt’s company to be painful to the ears.
She’d wander into the woods and sit by her favorite tree, the ancient oak with the markings of the original protectors of the world. According to legend, this had once been a part of the perimeter of the Heart. The Heart was an island that contained the secret name of the Superior God. He who knew the name, became the Superior God. Man was the chosen race to protect the Heart. The original protectors had tried to control too much and someone was able to penetrate the defenses. Though he died before he spoke the name, the protectors- The Brethren- decided to set the perimeter closer to the island.
Paige sat with her back to the tree trunk and called out with her mind speech. Soon enough a squirrel came to her call and they sat talking until Aunt called. Paige showed up on the doorstep and waited until Aunt allowed her in.
“You still smell of magic, you can wait until it’s gone to come into my house.” Aunt announced- like she did most evenings when Paige had spent any length of time in the woods. By the time the smell was gone, her supper had gotten cold. Unbothered, she ate her meal while she studied Aunt’s features. Paige often tried to read Aunt’s mind, since trying to read her expressions was impossible. Without the training, her attempts were useless. They both retired for the evening when her meal was over.

From time to time the Head of the Brethren would steal glances at her daughter through the still pool in the far corner of her privet chambers. This small pool was beside the crib which was only slept in for a month. Sending Paige away was her biggest regret, but was the only choice. Ekiken had sworn revenge, and too keep her daughter safe, she had to be as far from her mother as possible.
She had won the position ahead of Ekiken at the academy. He wasn’t known for taking defeat well, and as she retired for the night, she was approached by the jealous classmate who vowed the position would be a curse. In hindsight, she should have not taken his swear so lightly. For years he went into exile, and she soon forgot about him. When her infant was born six years after that day, the Brethren stronghold was attacked. Fearing for her safety, her daughter was sent to live with her sister. She looked at the cradle and sighed. At least she was safe.
Her chamber door was thrown open, and standing on the threshold was one of the younger members. Struggling for breath, her managed
“Sorcha…Ekiken’s spies…found…P-Paige.” The two ran down the long hallway Sorcha a few feet of the breathless youth.

 

Excellent change, although in the first part you shifted suddenly from the history of Paige to a present-tense happening:

"...The Brethren- decided to set the perimeter closer to the island.
Paige sat with her back to the tree trunk and called out with her mind speech. Soon enough a squirrel came to her call and they sat talking until Aunt called. Paige showed up on the doorstep and waited until Aunt allowed her in..."

Perhaps add a new paragraph before Paige sits against the tree and a "One day, Paige sat with her back to the tree..." kind of thing, instead of keeping the image that you're telling about her childhood as a whole. Give an obvious, sudden jolt into the 'present' part of the story instead of her history (although "One day" in itself is lame - better choose something else if you do) and begin telling it.

It's a good introduction to have Paige's life, then to move to "From time to time the Head of the Brethren would steal glances at her daughter..." with the different setting, but it's unexpected. You've done a good job of introducing Aunt's distaste for Paige, and Paige's life in itself, but shifting to yet another introduction is a bit too much... shake some more salt on the first, and begin the second part with the name of whom you're speaking now, so the readers or listeners aren't confused. Read some Terry Pratchett - he's good at doing this sort of thing, and he's hilarious meanwhile.

 

This is much better

 

Yep, my number one probelm with writing is the tense shifting. As for introducing another character- I could just give the mother's pov later on. Thanks for the help!

[Edit: I wasn't thinking, I'm on baldak's computer- it's really Serena. Oops]

[This message has been edited by Baldak Oakfist (edited July 09, 2002).]