From parent to child?

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I was wondering(gotta trademark that line sometime soon) why it is that some children do the same stuff their folks did, and some children does the opposite. Easier with an example.

Say a kid get beaten up by his dad, and later he himself becomes abusive. But some kids that experience that will also have their behavior turn 180 degrees and be caring people who hates violence.


Or smoking, parents who smoke and have their children nearby, might get the children to smoke as well (this I would actually assume the kids did) but some don't. Why?

Does anyone know or have anyone studied in psychology of childrens growing behaviour?

 

Both my parents smoke, but I do not. Neither does my sister (as far as my knowledge goes). But strangely enough, I sometimes find the smell of someone smoking quite enjoyable.

Neither my father or mother hunt, or have even thought of doing it. Both of them like horses, I absolutely do not.

 

Greetings Lokken!

I have a little background in psychology and counselling although I will be the first to admit that there are tons of folks out there who know a lot more than I do. And I'm not referring to just an academic perspective, but an experiential one also. I still have a lot to learn from life.

One reason people follow in the parents' footstep so to speak is genetics. So alcoholism, drug use, and others may be answered (though not completely) by the genes. In terms of attitude, personality or behavior though, well, they say insanity can be genetic, so is the propensity to commit violent acts (caught that one on Discovery Channel). So, there's one: genes.

A second one would likely be the environment. Like any living organism we live, react, explore and learn from our environment, whatever we percieve that environment to be. We get influenced and influenced others back. We are changed while being agents of change ourselves. So there: environment.

About your example Lokken,I have something in real life that is a little similar. I have two officemates, both dads, both have only one son, and yet their parenting is very different. One is very strict, while the other is rather lenient. Both had dads whom they each consider to be strict.

The strict parent says that he thanks his dad for being strict on him because he grew up to be a mature, responsible husband and father(which he really is). He says that before his son is let loose in the world, he wants to make sure that his son has all the values he can impart so that he can make a good life for himself. He admits that he has high expectations for his son & this has been a source of friction (his son is 12).

My other friend is more of a pal to his kid (who is 14 I think)because as a child, he felt that he was awed by his dad. He says that his son tells him that his son's friends find him cool and easy to talk to. However, he admitted that sometimes, his son doesn't treat him seriously and that his son wouldn't think twice about raising his voice to him on something he believes his son doesn't fully comprehend yet.

This are two dads whose parenting and belief systems contrast inspite having RELATIVELY similar dads. THAT CAME FROM THEM, not me, as they have turned into fast friends because of their sons.

Personally, I think the experiences have a great effect on the psychology of a person. All our experiences, although at times may similar in certain aspects, are really unique from each other. How we process them with the tools we have (tools like values, beliefs, cultures, priciples, preferences, biases, prejudices, etc.)add to who we are , which in turn adds on to those very tools we use.

Hope this helps Lokken.

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One thing though, a lot of people say "experience is the best teacher". I agree but to a point, 'cause I find it sort of incomplete. I think that experience can be the best teacher if we learn from our experiences and those learnings help us better ourselves. Experience may also reinforce prejudices and biases which detract from our personhood by closing our minds. By his experience, Bruenor should've killed Drizzt for the simple reason that he is a Drow, because Drow, by experience are an evil race. Yet he decided to know the individual and judge (as Dwarves do) him by his actions, rather than the color of his skin or the reputation of his race. Think about it, that's not really a stretch from real life.

That's what I love about this board. You can happily agree to disagree. Even if tempers may flare, from what I've read so far, there's still that respect for the views, opinions, and contributions of others.

I do love the irreverence though. Heh heh...



[This message has been edited by eveningdrive (edited September 07, 2001).]

 

Hey cool! I didn't really think anyone had had just the slightest study in this field, but thanks for replying!

and your example explains quite a lot

 

Or it could be that the children who don't follow in their parents footsteps get a lot of outside attention.

My father smoked, but because of all the anti-smoking info that they gave out in school, I don't.

Likewise, an abused child may be sheltered by his/her parents, and so receive no counselling to help them.

 

"The child arrived just the other day, he came to the world in the usual way, there were planes to catch and bills, it leared to walk while I was away."

This is the first sentence of Cats in the Cradle by Cat Stevens, but also Ugly Kid Joe, Guns 'n Roses and a few others. The song goes about a father who never spends time with his child and always is busy with work. His child doesn't realise this and he wants to become just like his dad. The father sees his son grow up very quickly and spends little time with him. When he is retired he calls his son on the phone and says he wants to spend some time with him, but his son is busy with work and can't see his father. "And as I hung up the phone it came to me, he grown up just like me, my boy was just like me."

 

Frankly, I am completely different from my parents, I am interested in different things, always have differing opinions, and unlike my father, am quite even-tempered and peace loving. All the insight I can offer unfortunately, without going into lengthy psychology is that it does really depend on the child, sure they have a good chance of doing what their parents do, but the same chance of doing the opposite, it depends on the child.

 

It depends on the child because each child has a unique personality. While personality is shaped by upbringing, environment, experiences, etc., there are certain characteristics that you are born with. These are what truly define you as a unique human being, and shape your outlook on life.

Good post eveningdrive, but I can't resist this summary: "There are two shaping forces: inside and outside."

I would also point out that people are too quick to assign genes for tendencies and thus absolve themselves of any guilt (victimization).

 

Eveningdrive: I must say that you're post is rather impressive.
Genetics is a small part of how you will react to the circumstances given to you in life. Every person is born and will react differently with everything.

There is a book that I have that is an excellent source of personality info. I've never believed in astrology before but every example has been 95% accurate
It's called "The Secret Language of Birthdays". By Gary Goldscneider and Joost Elfers. It's a breakdown of every day of the year and the personalities of a person born on that day as well as health and advice. I've read many pages with the people I've known in my life and the results have been uncanny.

[This message has been edited by Xenecor (edited September 07, 2001).]

I agree that parents play a huge part in how you react to life when you grow up. But it's the individual mind that determines the reaction

[This message has been edited by Xenecor (edited September 07, 2001).]

 

I think Xenecor got it. I have nothing significant to add really. You're you, you're not your parents.

 

I am not saying you are!

I'm just saying that many people tend to have habits that their parents had as well, and I was wondering why that is?

I am myself, and would hate to be my parents, the scary part is I sometime see resemblances with my father. Not intentionally ofcourse

 

I'm not like my parents at *all*. My parents don't care what kind of clothes they wear, they disapprove of deoderant, my mom doesn't like to wear make up, my mom is *way* too gullible, my dad is obsessed with having the house clean through and through.

 

I'm glad I didn't go to college.This stuffs free!

 

Parents hammer and bend children depending on their material.

EDITED HERE: I felt poetic

[This message has been edited by Nobleman (edited September 08, 2001).]