How do we cope?

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There comes a time in our lives usually more then once when we split with those that we love very deeply. And i was just wondering how you people cope with this and what you do. There is no real need to ask why i write this as it is pretty obvious. And if you are really clueless, i'm talking about boyfriends and girfriends.

Sorry to take up your time...but i have to say, god is sometimes a bastard unless he is plannign on getting me and her back together.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I think we all know just how painful that is and my heart goes out to you.

You probably don't believe this right now, but if it's over then she wasn't the right one for you, no matter how much it may seem that way. When you find someone you truly belong with, nothing can make either of you leave or behave in a way that makes the relationship intolerable. I know the old "other fish in the sea" advice is not helpful when you have your heart set on one person, but it is surely better to be alone than to be with someone who is not truly committed to you and to your happiness.

In my experience, the best way to ease the pain is to wallow for a bit- if you try to keep a stiff upper lip and pretend it doesn't hurt, it will only hurt longer. Take some sick time off work- you are definitely unwell when your heart is broken- and do things that make you happy. Eat your favorite foods, reread favorite books, watch your favorite videos, listen to your favorite songs. Cry- even if you usually don't, this is a special occasion. Sleep as much as you can. Find one friend who is willing to let you go on and on about your sadness when you need to talk- you can pay him/her back when they are the ones who are suffering, which comes to everyone eventually. And don't rush into another relationship- it really doesn't help, it just adds a new source of stress.

I hope this helps somewhat... and again, I am sorry for your pain.

 

I'm sorry for you mate I split with a gilfriend of six months a few days ago and I don't know what to do with myself.

 

I appreciate both of your replies and i would just like to say that me and my ex have decided to stay as best mates and we were saying that maybe in a few years time after all the hassle of studying is over, we might try it again but properly.

Question...does the age 16 have anything to do with 'her or him' not being the right one for you? Cos i truely love this girl deeply!
Anyway, thanks for your responses and i welcome any more.

 

I'll admit, 16 is pretty young for this type of attachment, but I'm definately not saying that it's wrong. As for my experience, the girl I thought I was going to marry and I broke up Christmas week a few years ago. A couple of months later, she was engaged to this other guy. It's taken about 10 years before I could be civil, but now, we're working on friendship, and I'll admit, she's a great friend, one who I wouldn't lose 'as a friend' for anything. And if I hadn't broken up with her, I wouldn't have married my wife a few years later, and my life with her is the best I've ever had. Sometimes, patience is what you need.
I don't believe there is just one 'soul mate' for each person, but several that could make you the happiest person alive. I would say just follow the advice above, and treat yourself for a day or two. Good luck.

 

Sniper - I don't know what to tell you...Personally, I think it all comes down to timing & a little luck. I've dated a fair amount of women, and there have been 2-3 that I thought would be great to be with. Doing the whole, wife, kids, minivan, dog, house with the picket fence thing...But for one reason or another, it doesn't work out.

Who knows why? I certainly don't. I've gotten to the point in my life that the women I date, I consider to be people I would want to share life with. If after a few dates, I don't see the qualitiies I'm looking for in them - I usually end it. I figure it's the same way for a woman.

But when I was 16, the last thing on my mind was settling down with one girl. I just turned 32, and I think I'm just getting to the point where I'd want to settle down and have a family.

So, I guess if I could give you any advice from my many years of dating (and screwing it up) , it would be this:

Take your time, figure out who you are first and what you want out of life - Then figure out how to get it. I think that there are several people out there that have the potential to be a perfect fit - but if the time isn't right...It won't matter.


When I really think about my lfe up to this point, I wouldn't change anything that's happened - good or bad. You learn a little more each time - and hopefully, by the time you meet "the one," you'll be ready for them.

 

I must admit to you, 16 is way to young to make any commitment. YOu may think you love someone but it is usually fantasy and lust.

I say this from experience, i was pregnant at 16 and married by 18, divorced at 19.

I truly thought i loved him, till i hit 19 and looked around myself as an adult. Never rush into anything. If it is true it will wait till your studies are through.

 

Beware of rebound. Don't get into another relationship until you've had time for this wound to heal.

 

I know this must sound like a real joke, especially since it's u, Sniper. but.... masturbate.

 

Just because someone's 16 it doesn't mean he can't feel love. Why do people seem to think that you have to be a certain age to feel that strongly about someone? That's so stupid! Love is no different than any other emotion, and when you feel it, you know it. While I'll agree that it's not the best age to be making life decisions, and sometimes teens can get caught up in lust and fantasy, No One can say that 16 is too young to be in love. If anything, it's easier for a person to give their entire heart to someone at that age, because they've never been burned.

If being with someone makes a person happier than he's ever been, he thinks about them all the time, and the pain of separation seems devastating... Then you have no right to belittle his feelings by calling him a child.

Everyone changes somewhat between 16 and 25, some sooner, some later. But that doesn't lessen the intensity or the reality of an emotion felt at any age. So maybe the boy I was with from 14 to 16 wasn't the person I was destined to marry. So What? I loved him for 2 years, and when we broke up (by mutual decision) it hurt like hell.

No one knows what the future will bring, and the person who's "right" for you at 16 or 25 or 43 might be something different everytime. The only way to know, is to be true to yourself, always be honest with the person you love, and if you can grow and change together then you've found the person who's "right" for you.

Taking time is always a good thing, Sniper, and if you can stay friends, then that's the best beginning. Listen to Sprite. It's good advice.

[This message has been edited by Darien Noella (edited July 16, 2001).]

 

Thanks guys! I appreciate all of your answers esp. Arkados Blackmires!

But seriously, i do agree with Darien on that love can come at any time and i shall try to do as best a si can...at least we are still good friends...

 

Sniper;

This may sound sappy. But my best remedy for a broken heart is to wallow in it for a day or two. Just get it over with. Listen to Air Supply or Country Western Music, what ever you can find. Cry if you have to, write a sappy poem or two. And then move on.

You do have to grieve.

But then remember, this isn't the end. My wife was desperately in love with someone else in high school, and he tore her heart out. In hindsite, it was the best thing that has ever happened to her -- now she has me!

 

ive only had three girlfriends in my life, only one of which i seriously loved and still love, for this reason i cant say what it would be like to live without her, however for the other two i suggest to drown in self pity for a while, and then to realize that youre young and there are other women out there for you, yeah its been sai and done but i think it works

 

i must add Darien, i said too young for commitment. You dont even know what you want in life at that age. Sure you can love... but whos to say you are making the right choices at that age??

 

Actually, what I was responding to was this:

YOu may think you love someone but it is usually fantasy and lust.

Maybe you didn't mean it that way, but it does deny that the feeling could even be love at all. Perhaps in your case that's true, but you can't make a blanket statement like that about others. Anyway, as you probably could tell by the length of my previous post, I have rather strong feelings about the topic. No offense intended, Kit.

 

no offense taken of course

And it was worded wrong... sorry.. i should have said, what seems to be love, OFTEN turns out to be puppy love. It is very hard for a person to look ahead in life at 16 years old. Everything is the here and now.
Sure your heart may be broken, but to be honest with you.. you have many many many years ahead of you!!

 

Either ways, i know exactly what i want out of life.

Firstly, i know i was born on this earth to love and protect someone that loves me in return. I have developed an emotional side which in many ways is 5 - 10 years more mature than my own age. So basically, i want someone to love, protect, care for and make happy as long as it is within my power.

Secondly, i want to contribute to entertainment through the music business. Thats why i am a bassist in a band. I want more people to enjoy music. Or the music that my band makes which is a sought of sophisticated punk + indie. The music we produce is mostly designed for those teenagers that can reflect upon our music.