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Poetry Time

Discussion in 'Creativity Surge' started by Ofelix, Dec 27, 2003.

  1. Ofelix

    Ofelix The world changes, we do not, what irony!

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    Remove all ads!
    I might be the only 15 old guys who love peotry, but with time I've understand that it is stupid to be ashamed of your taste.

    Anyway as the title said!

    Here's one I made for an english paper a long time ago post your's too!

    The Dawn of Victory, the Dawn of Death


    When your have engaged in the army
    You have though of a fast and decisive victory
    Alas! It has been months since you have seen any sign for a dawn
    Alas! It has been months you have passed in darkness awaiting the dawn


    Each night you sleep uneasy as the sky darkened itself a little more each night
    Each day you fight uneasy as there is no dawn for you sight
    Alas! It is the way of those who endlessly wander in the battlefield!
    Alas! May we remember those who rest in the nearby field!


    Thy quill will do more for your country than thy riffle
    As thy quill spoke of true, as thy riffle spoke of death
    Alas! The horror of the truth will take time to travel above an ocean
    Alas! The horror of the riffle will not take time to travel above a field


    Yet After four winters and four summers you begin to see dawn
    The first dawn for men in the field, the first dawn you care
    Rejoice! It is the dawn of victory! The war is over
    Alas! It is the dawn of death; the war has killed too many men to be counted…

    [ December 27, 2003, 23:33: Message edited by: Blackthorne TA ]
     
    Ofelix, Dec 27, 2003
    #1
  2. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    If you made it for an English paper, it will be or has already been reviewed by more competent persons, but heh... you were asking for it.

    So, to begin with, I like the sound of drums in it. Ta-tara-tata-tata-tara-tata-taratata and so on. Nice. Your vocabulary is one af an educated person, which gives you an advantage over most of the poets of the internet at the very start :rolleyes:

    You obviously know what you're doing and what you want to achieve, but it seems you need to work on the technical side. Perhaps also bit on expression, but it may be a matter of preference only. A little more technical perfection and a little more lyric spirit will make this poem charge for victory ;)
     
    chevalier, Dec 28, 2003
    #2
  3. Ofelix

    Ofelix The world changes, we do not, what irony!

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    I'm no expert of the fist world war, plus english isn't my main language. Anyway thanks for the good feedback, maybe I will re-write it in a more medivial style, which is my favorite style of writting.

    BTW I really liked Vision, I can't say why though I'm no peotry expert too.
     
    Ofelix, Dec 29, 2003
    #3
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