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Some lyrics

Discussion in 'Creativity Surge' started by Redemtion, Feb 5, 2004.

  1. Redemtion Gems: 1/31
    Latest gem: Turquoise

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    Remove all ads!
    Well what can i say?
    Back at SP, and its still looking good....anyway I used to come here, but i left some time ago..

    One of my newest hobbies is lyrics, i just like writting lyrics, so i thought I'd post up some of my lyrics on here and see what you think, their nothing great, just what i write in my spare time...

    My dreams

    Nobody feels the same pain as me
    it's like somethings killing me, catastrophe
    I don't know if i can take it anymore
    Holding these feelings in the core
    The only time i feel safe at all
    Is when i'm dreaming of a faraway shore

    Cuz in my dreams i find/everything
    In my dreams i can see anything
    And theres nobody to hurt me
    In my dreams i am truly free

    Nobody sees the fears in me
    Its just too much insecurity
    In everything i do[i cant take it anymore]
    So i think I'll let it be
    And let the anger grow inside of me

    But in my Dream i find everything
    In my dreams i can see everything
    As i sit alone under a crimson sky
    I keep on asking myself why

    Its taken so much from me
    This obscurity/insecutity
    But somehow i find my peace
    In my dreams where love can cease

    For so long I've walked around
    Carrying a scare of a silent sound
    Wondering every step that i take
    Is my life just a big mistake
    Cuz once upon i time i felt love for you
    But its just turned into pain a feeling that nothings true

    Their my dreams/nobody else can have them
    Their my dreams alone/my precious gem
    Cuz only me they will heal
    and only i will feel
    Like theres nothing hurting me
    In my dreams thats where i wanna be

    critisism awaited, please dont compliment me or fake like its good, do me juctise and speak your mind....
     
    Redemtion, Feb 5, 2004
    #1

  2. Erebus Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon

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    On the second line first verse, take catastrophe out because it doesn't fit. Also I'd get rid of teh third line in the thrid verse, because it doesn't follw the rhyming pattern with the rest of your song, you can either get rid of it, or add another line to fit it. Other than those, its pretty good.
     
    Erebus, Feb 8, 2004
    #2

  3. Neverless Gems: 1/31
    Latest gem: Turquoise

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    Pretty Good. The rhyme scheme is a little shaky at times, but it works. Have you thought about putting the lyrics to music? :idea:
     
    Neverless, Feb 19, 2004
    #3
  4. Harbourboy

    Harbourboy Take thy form from off my door! Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    OK - if you want criticism: I found the timing of the lines to be a little out of synch. On some lines I expected one more or less syllable. For example, line 4 seems to be short of one syllable.

    But that just could be the way I am reading it. It guess it depends if it is supposed to be poetry or a song.

    Anyway, it is better than anything I could do. Is it supposed to be autobiographical?
     
    Harbourboy, Feb 19, 2004
    #4
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