Story of Zaknafein(no not THE zaknafein)

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I had to write a story about my char to join a roleplaying UO server.
Ill just post it here, and then you guys can tell me what you think of it.
I am aware that there probably are some spelling mistakes but bear with me

Zaknafein is my char, and Caldor is my friends char.
ok here goes
Zaknafein was born by a cleric of Ciar M'odryb called Shanayne D'ress'tnof, when he was a child his older sister Kry'orl kept telling him how she would become a cleric and have Ciar M'odryb turn him into a Drider, and whenever Zaknafein started crying his mother would start cutting him with knives resembling spider legs.
On his seventeenth birthday he was given a scimitar by his father, which he was supposed to use on a surface raid with his sister.
When at last they reached the surface they came upon a small settlement of Snow Elves, Kry'orl unleashed her magic and killed many elves, including children who were playing soccer oblivious to the danger.
Zaknafein couldnt bring himself to hurt the elves, so instead he just tried to keep out of his sisters view.
His sister ordered him to gather up the surviving elves as slaves, and then they returned to the underdark.
All of the slaves were sold except one, Marion Silverstream who was to be Zaknafeins personal slave.
When Zak was alone with her he told her of how he hated the Drow way, and he would like to free her and journey with her to the surface.
Whenever his mother or sister were there though, he had to treat her like dirt, and punch her for spilling water and the like, and every time his hand striked her face it hurt deep within him.
Then one day Marion told Zak how she had fallen in love with him, and Zak confessed that he shared her feelings, they were succesful in hiding their love for a few weeks untill Kry'orl saw Zak kiss Marion.
She cast a spell at Zak that paralyzed him, and slowly cut out Marions eyes, Marion cried as Zak's wicked sister started cutting off her fingers, and finally she stuck the wicked dagger between Marions ribs.
Kry'orl didnt notice that her spell had worn off, and without her noticing Zak crept over to his bed and found his Scimitar.
Kry'orl's grinning face, turned to a face of sheer horror as Zaknafeins scimitar dove through her neck, she turned around to regard her brother before she fell to the floor, dead.
Zak saw that Marions life was fading quickly, he picked her up and carried her to his bed, and they exchanged one last kiss of love, before Marion died.
Zaknafein found a torch and burned down his house, and fled out into the underdark, scimitar in hand, and woving that he would one day return to have his revenge against his wicked family.

On a day seemingly like any other, Zaknafein spotted some movement out of the corner of his eye.
He grabbed his Scimitar and turned around to regard the creature behind him.
He saw that it was an elf, although he didnt look like an ordinary elf, he was pale as death and he had raven black hair.
The elf laughed at him and said "it seems you are out past your bed time darkling"
as he spoke Zak noticed that the elf had a pair of razor sharp canine teeth.
"vampire....." Zak whispered to himself, though he shouldnt have, the vampire heard him.
"yes i am a vampire, dark one and a charming one indeed"
the vampire started walking towards Zak.
"stay back, or i'll make sure darkness claims you!" Zak screamed.
"dont worry, it already have..." the vampire started laughing again*
the vampire drew out his katana and said"i have no desire for a fight, although if you wish i will gladly fight you and feast on your blood after i have pierced you on my blade"
Zak put his scimitar back in its scabbard and eyed the vampire, "what is your name?" he asked.
"you may call me Caldor" the vampire said," Caldor Te'fener".
Zak pulled his Piwafwi close, he knew that if the vampire attacked he could reach for the dagger he had hidden within it.
"i am Zaknafein D'ress.......Zaknafein Azureblade" Zak said.
"A pleasure meeting you Zaknafein"Caldor said.
"do you wish to accompany me to the surface?"
"hmm, i will have a better chance of surviving with friends, alright i will accompany you" Zak said.
"splendid, now just follow me" Caldor said.
They reached the exit to the surface in a few days....

that was 7 months ago, Caldor and Zak have since become friends.

sorry but i am too tired to write any more
im not very good at writing, but i hope you enjoyed it

[ October 11, 2002, 00:19: Message edited by: jesper898 ]

 

I would like to state some flaws in your tale if you would allow me.

1. Snow Elves are non-existant on Toril.

2. It was a rare chance for a pure bred Drow to know his/her father, much less recieve a gift from him.

3. I doubt that a vampire would waste his/her time making his presence known to a would-be victim.

4. I Doubt even more that after a 30 second chat with a Drow elf a vampire would decide to accompany him on his journey to the surface.

5. A Drow elf, with the exception of Drizzt Do'Urden is not very likely to have a love affair with a moon, gold or even snow elf especial a slave elf as they are taught from birth to hate elfs for exiling them to the Underdark.

Despite that stated above I give it an A+ because I can.

[ October 11, 2002, 00:51: Message edited by: Kayafein Ara'dain ]

 

oh its a custom made UO world its not Toril

and i had to go to sleep so i didnt have time to write a long conversation for Zak and caldor

and Drow arent as evil as in D&D

[ October 11, 2002, 11:24: Message edited by: jesper898 ]