The rise and fall of Aldar the Great (Fantasy)

Remove all ads!

Hey guys, this is my first post. Its something I was workin on for an english paper, and I eventually changed topics, but continued writing the story. I'll add more on in a little bit. I hope you guys like it. Constructive Criticism is welcome. Here goes....

"Listen here boy, and I’ll tell ya a story," the master said to his apprentice. “You see this?” He said pointing to a sword in an elaborate case. The youth looked on, he had seen the sight hundreds of times, but it had always puzzled him. The sword seemed to be too plain and simple to be deserving of such a fine stand and case. He had seen swords emblazoned with their owners names in gems, swords that gleaned so brightly that one had to look away after a few seconds, he had even seen a magic weapon or two that light up rooms with their inner fury. This one however seemed just like any other the boy had forged day after day. It was dull steel, had a standard hilt, nothing elaborate, and had many notches all down the edge.

“Ahh, that’s where ye’ be wrong me boy” the old man said. He had seen the youth looking at the sword like any other, and not showing it the respect that it had earned.

“That’s the sword that changed the world.” The youth stared up with amazement.

“How could that be true master? The sword is just like all the other ones we forge day after day, and there seems to be nothing magical about it.” In fact, it did look like all the other swords lying around in the shop, except for a small little symbol at the crosspiece, which showed a hawk on top of a dead bear.

“Yes, look closer” He told the youth, as the boy had just seemed to notice that engraving on the hilt.

“Why should that make the sword any better than any others, master?” The boy wondered.

“My young pupil, a sword is only as strong as the man who wields it,” He said, his voice suddenly sounding wiser and more scholarly.

“A long, long time ago, a man we call Cual-Thagor wielded this sword in battle, better known as Aldar the Warrior.” The boy's face lit up with delight, as he had heard some of the marvelous tales woven by the local spinsters about the warrior.

“Did he really take on a whole brigade of elves by himself?!” The boy asked, barley containing his curiosity.

“Haha, I’m not sure if that one ever happened my boy” The old man began chuckling to himself. It seemed that every year the stories told by the locals got more and more fantastic.

“Do you know anything about him?” The boy asked, his face a mask of wonder and curiosity.

“Yes I do, in fact, I used to know the man, back in the days of my youth.”

“That must have been a real long time ago then….” The boy visibly shuddered, as he accidentally lost himself in the moment. The old man just laughed.

“Aye, they do seem to be pretty far back, now that you mention it. Back in my youth, I witnessed the swordsman’s might with my own eyes. Trust me my lad, most of the stories you’ve heard stray not far from the truth.” The boys face just beamed with curiosity.

“Well, its gettin’ to be pretty late my boy, you’d best be headin’ off to your home.”

“Wait!! Tell me more about Cual-Thagor, please!!”

“Well, if you insist.” The old man said, a smile appearing on his ancient features.

“Take a seat by the fire, boy.” And with that, the candles in the room flared for an instant, as the master storyteller began weaving his tale….
------------------------------------

Aldur watched from above as the battle below unfolded. Thousands of soldiers charging straight into each other head on. Thousands of war cries streaming from their adrenaline fed lips. As were thousands of death cries shouted that barely overcame the noise of the battle.

“Assur and Vaelan, ahh will this eternal war never end?” The answer came back as the shrieking of thousands of swords on swords. He knew what his job was during this battle, and he knew to deviate from the plan would mean death for him and his comrades.

“Almost there” he said to Thordack, his lieutenant. A quick

“Yes Sir” was the response.

“Men, lets get ready for battle!” Aldar shouted. Simultaneously, 100 men raised their shields and barred their teeth. It was a sight to behold, and Aldar knew it. His hundred men would seem insignificant to a commoner, but Aldar knew that to be otherwise. These were the hundred finest fighters in all of Assur. They were the empires elite Dambron squad, feared all over the known world for their fighting prowess in battle. Each man wore custom fitting armor and wielded swords and their weapon of preference. None of them displayed the dark blue and red banner of Assur as all of the men of their empire below did. They simply were known by sheer sight by their enemies.

“The battle below isn’t looking to good Thordack” Aldar said in a monotone voice.

“Aye me captain, no it is not.”

Vaelan employed Spellslingers! Aldar thought to himself. They were a group of mercenary mages that could wreak havoc to an enemy on the battlefield. As it was, the Assur were steadily losing ground to both sword and thunder.

“It is time,” Aldar said under his breath.

“Our enemy’s are the Spellslingers in the rear of the column. Focus on them! To battle, for ASSUR!!!” As Aldar howled his battle cry, 100 men streaked down the hill overlooking the battlefield. To watchers, they appeared as a shimmering mass of death and doom.

[ December 03, 2003, 23:02: Message edited by: Aldar ]

 

Welcome to the boards

anyway, its good, but could do with being a weee bit longer, maybe provide a histoy to the story

 

Very good. Plenty of spaces between lines (helpful when looking at a computer screen) and a nice introduction, look forward to your next post

 

Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm working on a little backround for the setting, i'll post it up as soon as i finish. Heres the next part, its a little longer than the last one. Here goes...

Like a blur, Aldar and his men came down from the hills. To the enemy, seemingly out of no where.

“What’s this?” an old spellslinger asked the man next to him. They both stared in horror as they saw the column of black streaking toward them.

“No matter, the more enemies for me to strike down!” a younger slinger’ by the name of Alec said. The older one just let Alec wallow in his ignorance, better not to know the death that surely befell all of them. For, he had seen this same sight once before, and had barely escaped with his life that time. He knew that the same fate would not befall him this day.

“They run faster than humanly possible!” another Slinger’ said. As with that, Aldar’s men were almost on them.

“Time to strike!” Alec shouted, as he started the motions for a spell. The younger one's all started their chanting. Most of the veterans just stared in awe. 10 years ago, they fought the Dambron squad, and 10 years ago their order was almost completely wiped out. The old man muttered a prayer to his god, as the Dambron squad closed in…

-----------------
Alec was out at the front when the enemy showed up out of what seemed no where. He was a brazen youth, always confident, more often than not a little too much so. He was preparing one of his most potent spells, as a big strapping warrior closed in.

“Die Fool!!” Alec shouted as he unleashed a sphere of pure force aimed at the warrior. To his surprise, the warrior kept on coming in, raising his shield at the last second to intercept it.

“Haha! Wrong move soldier” Alec yelled in glee. The otherworldly force of the blast shattered the large shield. To his horror, the man kept on coming in strong and closed in.
“What are you?!” Alec shouted.

“Your doom” the man replied in a voice colder than death.

With that the swordsman closed in, wielding a huge two handed glaive, and came down hard on the foolish mage he saw before him. To his surprise, he found some resistance to his blade before he could make contact with the mage. Obviously some spell of protection that the mage threw up in the last instant.
“It’ll take more than that to stop me fool!!!” He shouted. And to Alec’s horror, the swordsman was right. His glaive came down in a huge arc and cut the mage from shoulder to hip as the mage watched on in horror.
“So it ends” were the mage's last words as he fell into the eternal slumber that befalls all those lost on the battlefield.

Aldar threw his broken glaive down with disgust. The bent and tattered remnants of his weapon showed that the mage's protective magic was far stronger than Aldar thought. He looked on and could see that his men were winning the battle. Left and right mages were falling. Most of them had not prepared to be in melee combat, as they were at the back of the massive army.

Aldar watched on as Thordack jumped in between a circle of three mages. He thrust his massive halberd in the first mages eye, the power of the blow sending the poor man back a good five feet. He was too close in to use his halberd, and as he dropped it, he ripped his longsword from his sheath. He quickly beheaded the man in front of him with a vicious horizontal sweep. It was evident that the third man had already soiled himself, and he had not even began casting a spell, he was in shock as the man had killed the two other mages with such ease. As with that, Thordack dodged the feeble man's attempt at defense with a little knife, and rolled into the mage's reach, while doing so slicing the mage's arm off to the shoulder. The mage stood on in utter bewilderment, as Thordack finished the job by snatching up the knife from the falling arm and jabbing it into the man’s jugular, which began spraying blood everywhere. Then he ran off to find more carnage to greet his sword.

Aldar saw that one mage had been holding back and killing his men. He knew that this one was the leader, as none of the others could have possibly been that powerful. He ran off, with an eager grin on his face….

[ November 26, 2003, 20:57: Message edited by: Aldar ]