Jokey Posties

SICK LEAVE

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'





She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.

 

I ended up with a woman at a local bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit and then she asked, "Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?"

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh", I said, as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No I haven't." I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, "Tonight is your lucky night."

We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom! You still awake?"

 

Some I stole from Fallout 3:

Two cannibals are eating a clown. Says the one to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

***************************************

People pointed out that there's a new stunt going on at the crematorium. Apparently, it now gives heavy discounts to burn victims.

 

Heres a couple jokes stolen from a book of translated Ancient Greek jokes.

Someone needled a well-known wit: "I had your wife, without paying a penny". He replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?"

A misogynist is attending to the burial of his wife, who has just died, when someone asks: "Who is it who rests in peace here?". He answers: "Me, now that I'm rid of her!"

 

Had this one in my inbox for a while now. Still got me laughing when I read it again though

Bush In Hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

Something to offend everyone:

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him “Sum Ting Wong”

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with...a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh**!!!"

 

Rofl Kit, some of them were priceless, especially the Sum Ting Wong one... Does it mean I have something wrong with me that I laughed at most of the jokes?

 

Not at all! It just means you can appreciate a good joke!

 

An old one but a good one:

2 Goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

 

An old lady buys a parrot so she'll have somebody to talk to. However, after three years, the parrot still hasn't said a word. One day, she gives him an apple 'Oh my God!' shouts the parrot 'There's a maggot in this apple!'
'Why haven't you spoken before?' asks the old lady
'Well, until now the food has been rather good'

 

OK, blond jokes are bad taste, but I saw this in the paper and couldn't resist. Apologies to Silvery and any other blonds on the board:

BLOND YEAR IN REVIEW

January: Took new scarf back to store. Too tight.

February: Fired from pharmacy for failing to print labels. Helloo! Bottles won't fit in a printer!

March: Finished jigsaw puzzle in six months. Exciting. Box said "two to four years".

April: Trapped on escalator for hours. The power went out.

May: Tried making Kool-Aid. Wrong instructions. Eight cups of water won't fit in those little packets.

June: Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July: Lost breaststroke swimming competition. The others cheated. They used their arms.

August: Locked out of my car in a storm. Car swamped because the soft-top was down.

September: The capital of California is 'C', isn't it?

October: Baked turkey for five days. Instructions said one hour per pound. I weigh 120.

November: I hate M&Ms. Too hard to peel.

December: Couldn't call 911. There's no "11" button on the stupid phone!

 

How did you know i was blonde?!?!?

---------- Added 0 hours, 4 minutes and 44 seconds later... ----------

Dammit, I just walked into a door!

 

Said the Englishman to the boastful Scot: ‘Take away your mountains, glens and lochs, and what have you got?’ ‘England,’ replied the Scot.

 

I had new windows installed last year and have been reaping the rewards: less drafts and lower utility bills. Last week, out of the blue, the company that installed the windows called. The man on the other end of the line said, "Our records indicate the windows installed last year have not been paid for."

Now this really pissed me off and I vented at the man, "I may be blond, but I'm not stupid. I don't understand why you are harrassing me about this. Last year you clearly told me these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hello! It's been a year!"

The silence on the other end of the line told me I had made my point. Satisfied, I hung up the phone. I doubt they will bother me again.

 

This was a forward from my father. It's a direct translation from French, so it might not end up sounding as hilarious as it does in French

Anyway, here goes:

A young boy and his father cross the city's 'hot' district in a car.

"Dad, what are those ladies on the sidewalks doing?"

Embarassed, the father bails out by telling his kid "They're selling happiness".

Once home, the kid decided to buy himself some happiness.

He breaks his piggybank, picks up his change and leaves the house and heads for the right street. He hands a bill to the first lady he meets, saying "Can you give me a bit of happiness, ma'am?"

A bit disconcerted, she takes the kid back to her house and prepares him three slices of bread with Nutella.

The kid comes back home 'happy', and his worried parents inquired about where in the blue hell he was.

The kid looks at his father and tells him he went to buy some happiness from one of the ladies they had seen while crossing the 'hot' district.

Horrified, the father asks what happened.

The kid answers "No problem with the first two, but the third was too much... so I just licked it".

 

Barmy said, "Take a look at my big snake."

 

Forwarded from Mrs Bruno....

A WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her a aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

 

Two drunks are sat in a bar. One of them gets up and goes to the bathroom but forgets to zip his flies when he's finished. He sits on a stool next the second drunk and his penis flops out onto the bar. The second drunk shouts 'SNAKE!', grabs a bottle and hits the the first drunks penis with it.
'Hit it again!' shouts the first drunk 'The damn thing just bit me!'