Jokey Posties

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Farrah Fawcett died and went to Heaven. She met God and he gave her one wish. She asked for all the children in the world to be safe. Then Michael Jackson died...

 

ok, now i don't feel so bad...

 

Theoretically it's a news article, but it has to be satire. I mean, it...it does, right?

 

LOL

 

Amaster go here for more info(just hilarious)
pirate hunting cruise

 

OK, some dork posted an 11 points list a while back and now I'm hooked. Here's one that I can't pass up sharing with you all. It is from his list of 11 stupidest questions about Judaism -- bear in mind the author of the list is Jewish and he picked ones that he found particularily offensive or ignorant. This one is my favorite:



5: Where can I learn Jew Jitsu?

At your neighborhood dojew. I recommend training with Cobra L'Kaiim.

 

Seriously, are people that silly?

EDIT: Stupid autocensor. I didn't even know this was considered a swear word.

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'

The guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and tequila and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

 

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' Yhe girl said, 'NO!'

The girl lived happily ever after and her house was always tidy, nobody accused her of PMS whenever she felt ratty, she had tons of money and never had to clean skid marks off her toilet.

The End

 

Good comeback

 

Silvery: From September 2008 (post 510, just two pages back)....

I'm equal opportunity in my jokes.

 

Fair enough chick. I'm just too damn lazy to look! xxx

 

A woman answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of Minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in High-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' she said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded
to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least Seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of Horse manure onto the hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.' She stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

 

Here's a little poem I learned a few years ago -- it's not as racy as it could be

Mary had a little dress,
Slit right up the side.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The boys could see her thigh.

Mary had another dress,
slit right up the front,
. . .
But she didn't wear that one!

 

We're ordering pizza in the office today and one of my coworker just commented:

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, well ... it's still good.

 

I heard a good comedian skit about too much generalization :

I hate it when people generalize too much. The other day, my friend told me ''Two or three of us took the car and went to a cabin''. Two or three?? What his he talking about? I told him ''I understand when you say two or three hundred, because it's hard to count all those people. But c'mon, was it two, or was it three? When you turned around in the car, was there someone in the back seat??''

I also heard another comedian say a joke about Canada I found really funny (probably is funnier if you know Toronto and Montréal) :

When I travel around, some of my american collegues ask me what's the deal with Canada. What are Toronto and Montréal like? Well, I said to him : Think about it like two brothers. One is an alcoholic womanizer and the other one's an accountant... so true...

 

Some gems from Bill Cosby:

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, 'You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.'

It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. 'Dammit, will you stop all that noise?' And, 'Jesus Christ, sit down!' One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, 'Dammit, will you get back in here!' I said, 'Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!'

Mothers who have experience in the trenches of family warfare are sometimes even driven to what I call anticipatory parenting. They ask a child a question, he tries to answer, and they say, 'You shut up! When I ask you a question, you keep your mouth shut! You think I'm talking to hear myself talk? Answer me!'

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. 'Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think -- in a deeper voice.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

I said to a guy, 'Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful,' and he said, 'Because it intensifies your personality.' I said, 'Yes, but what if you're an ***hole?'

Ladies and gentlemen, the lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids -- $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for 'Hooked on Phonics.'