Jokey Posties

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(Excuse my bad spelling on this one)

A man goes to an antiques dealer with a painting and a violin and asks the dealer if they're worth anything. The dealer says 'What you have here is a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.'
'My God' the guy replies 'They must be worth millions!'
'I'm afraid not' says the dealer 'Rembrant made the violin and Stradivarius painted the picture.'

 

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER, You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed.. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me... But it worked! I hauled her fat a$$ downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

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An old lady, at 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'And therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'And therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

 

True Story:

My uncle is downtown the other day waiting for a bus and this guy walks up and says, "Hey, my man, what's up with the free hamburgers?" My uncle has no idea what he's talking about and questions, "What?" The man asks again, "What's up with the free hamburgers?" while pointing to a sign. My uncle reads the sign and just shakes his head. The sign says: Free to Homebuyers.

 

Top 10 reasons why healthcare needs reform....

10 - Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9 - Directions to your Dr.'s office include " Turn left at the trailer park entrance."

8 - The tongue depressers taste faintly like fudgesicles.

7 - The only Proctologist covered by your plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter

6 - The only item listed under "Preventive Care Coverage" is "an apple a day".

5 - Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4 - "The patient is responsible for 200% of the out-of-network charges" is not a typographical error.

3 - The only expense covered 100% is "embalming".

2 - Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

1 - You ask for Viagra and they give you a popsicle stick and duct tape!

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Everyone seems to be wondering why terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see, No television, No cheerleaders, No nude women, No car races, No football, No soccer, No golf, No tailgate parties, No K-Mart, No Walmart, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No chocolate, chip cookies No lobster, No shellfish or even frozen fish sticks, No nachos No beer nuts, No beer!!!, Rags for clothes and towels for hats, Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors, Constant wailing from the guy in the tower, More than one wife, You can't shave, Your wives can't shave, You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung, The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times, Your bride is picked by someone else, She smells just like your donkey, But your donkey has a better disposition, Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better I mean really, is there a mystery here?!​

 

Ted Kennedy joke pending....

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BUBBA's & COOTER'S SUREFIRE PICK-UP LINES!

1 - Did you fart, cuz you just blew me away!

2 - Are your parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special!

3 - My luv fer you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

4 - Do you got a library card, cuz I liked to sign you out.

5 - Is there a mirror in you pants, cuz I can see meself in em!

6 - You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only one light switch away!

7 - I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone or anything, but I bet I can make your bed-rock!

8 - Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9 - If your'e goin to regret this in the morning, don't worry, I usually sleep into the afternoon.

10 - Your face reminds me of my wrench, every time I see it, my nuts tighten up!

 

My favorite come on line came from a Jim Varney routine ("Billy Joe Jim Bob's School of Trucking"):

"You don't smell bad for a fat broad."

Then the classic from Bull Durham:

"I want you ... bad."

 

Donnie Baker Quotes... he is a comedian and repeat caller, usually weekly to the Bob & Tom radio show in Chicago.

"How can they prove it was solitication of a prostitute? I gave the whore the money in a birthday card. Come on man, whores have birthdays too."

Donnie Baker's "stripper equation" - take the number of men minus homos like Randy divided by three and add at least one more, because one of the strippers always falls in love with Donnie"

"They have to, it's state law"
"How about a three-way baby? You, me and some of this pork."
"Hey baby, you got 5 minutes? Let's go make your parents proud."
"This is my water bed, baby. I make the payments and the rules."
"Are you feeling all right baby? You look like you could use some bone marrow."
"I ran out of lotion at home too man. I was watching porn the other night and got desperate. Hey, I can't believe it's not butter either."
"I did her anyway man. I gave her some Donnie Baker wood putty."
"I'll dot that i"
"I'd put it right between her uprights!"
"Eat that Cracker-Jack you stupid shellface!"
"Hey babe,why dont you give me 5 minutes to pay at the pump"
"I can tell you from experience that the average amount of time it takes cops to respond to an 'intruder in the pool' call is 7 minutes."
"Before setting off fireworks inside of a car, make sure it's a rental."
"You've been on your back so much baby I bet the bottoms of your feet are sunburned."
"I only give money to sick kids and cheerleader car washes."
"Hey babe I got a question for you. Where do you buy your pot?"
"Do her like a popcicle, I melt in her arms and leave her with a wood."

 

Carlin Jokes/Quotes...

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that $hit?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you!

 

A teacher was using Lifesavers to illustrate the relationship between colours and flavours.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all Honey lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!"

 

I hope no one is offended -- it's not mean spirited.

A JOKE RUSSELL PETERS WOULD LIKE

A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's licence. He has to take an eye test.

The optician shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

 

A Rabbi, Minister, and a priest are at a conference of religious leaders. They decide that they want to see which of them is the best at his job. So they decide to have a competition to see who can convert a bear to their respective religions the fastest.

In two weeks they meet up again and share their stories. The priest goes first:
"I converted my bear easily, I caught him down by the river and I pushed him and baptized him right there.

Then the Minister speaks:
"I converted mine great! I read to him scripture from the branch of a tree and he listened the whole time!"

The priest and the minister look at the Rabbi who is lying on a stretcher in a full body cast and they ask him: "How did you do?"

The Rabbi looks off in the distance and says:
"You know, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

 

like that one

 

George and Mark had been working together in the company for more than 5 years. They've been competing with each other ever since, always trying to outdo one another. They've always stayed professionals with their competition though but it's no secret that they hated each other.

One day, after finishing work rather late, they walked down together to the almost empty parking lot. By chance they spotted a rather peculiar bottle that seems to be calling them. So a little struggle ensued for possession of the unusual bottle. In the struggle, they broke the bottle which, yup, you guessed it right, the magical creature called genie appeared.

Genie: In gratitude of freeing me from the bottle that imprisoned me, I will grant both of you 3 wishes each.
George: I wish I would be super handsome, super macho and just oozing with sex appeal!
Genie: Done!

And you have to believe that George simply became the most gorgeous guy in the world.

Mark: I wish for a crash helmet.
Genie: Done!

Yup, obviously George is laughing at Mark's first wish.

George: I wish that every women in this city will be drop-dead-gorgeous!
Genie: Done!

Mark: I wish for the latest and fastest motorcycle available!
Genie: Done!

Sure enough, a spanking brand new uber stylish motorcycle appeared before them. George was now a bit confused with Mark's wishes but went on being vocal about how stupid Mark is for wasting his first 2 wishes.

George: I wish that every woman in the world who sees me would fall madly in love with me!
Genie: Done!

Mark: I wish that George is... (revving up his brand new spanking motorcycle)... gay!
Genie: Done!

 

@nior: I must be high because I actually find this funny and I'm not even sure I actually got it.

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

 

Christmas Cake Recipe

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs

* Nuts
* 1 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Merry Xmas &
Bingle Jells! xxxx

 

saw this on bash and lost it....


<DrBob> You'll never get it. Men weren't meant to understand women.
<Odin> not true.
<Odin> I've managed to solve for the fundamental logic operation of women.
<DrBob> It's just best to let them do what they want, so they'll let us do stuff to them.
<Odin> Nono let me explain.
<Odin> Women are fundamentally amplifiers.
<Odin> Anything you give them expect to get back multiplied
<Odin> give them money you don't have in the form of a credit card, expect a huge debt
<Odin> give them a little love, and they'll give you a lot of love back
<Odin> give them a little DNA in the bedroom
<Odin> and they give you a baby
<Odin> So if you give them crap, you'd better be ready to recieve a ton of ****

 

Today I was following a truck on my way to work when I noticed a little bumper sticker which read, "Driver does not carry cash."

I guess he was married.

 

On the topic of women....

No, no, no... It's not a dirty word, it's just an acronym for Cannot Understand Normal Thinking!