Jokey Posties

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Two guys are sitting in a bar and it is getting close to closing time.

The first guy says "No matter what I do I get in trouble when I get home. I coast in to the driveway with the engine and lights off. I quietly open the door without my shoes on, I undress in the dark and climb in to bed. As soon as I get in bed my wife wakes up and screams at me for hours. I don't know what to do."

The second guy says " Wow, that never happens to me. I screech in to the driveway and sometimes smash into the garage door. I stagger in to the house and typically knock over a few things. I walk in to the bedroom turn on the light and undress. I climb in to bed and whisper in to my wife's ear "Honey, how about a xxxxjob?" She never wakes up."

 

Maybe they should switch?

 

Did you hear about the kid who was gang molested by a group of mimes? They did unspeakable things to him.

 

Dear Abby

My husband hasn’t worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies .

I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.

I know because he brags about this to me.

He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night.

We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and big bottom turn him off!

Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby? Your advice would be appreciated …..

Mad as Hell

…………..

Dear Mad as Hell

You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p. Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady! Remember ……you`re running for President of the United States, so try acting like it!

 

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"

Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

 

> Gynecologist's Assistant:
>
> A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Toronto and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
>
> Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
>
> The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
>
> You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
>
> The annual salary is $65,000, and if you are interested you'll have to go to Sudbury, Ontario."
>
> "Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"
>
> "No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.
>

 

Did you hear the latest about the new corduroy pillow? It's really making HEADLINES!

 

Nice one, i love DnD Greentexts, but can't remember reading this one before

 

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

 

Famous Last Words

Spoiler

Noo these windows are ok to lean on.

Don’t worry it has airbags.

Hey what’s that buzzing noise?

Don’t worry its not that deep.

One time at band camp.

No, he doesn’t bite?.

Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can pass this guy.

My brakes are fine.

Nice doggy.

I think it's trying to communicate...

"Homicidal Tendencies"?

Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you?

"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".

"Don't touch the red button!"

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms. .

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

You look just like Charles Manson

Let it down slowly.

OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes

I can do that with my eyes closed

look ma! no hands!

Hey that's not a violin.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

"No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'"

"Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!"

Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now.

Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.

I dunno, press the button and find out.

Hello, is anyone home?

Oops.

Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing?

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

He can't hear us, he's miles away

I'll be right back.

I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind.

Don't worry, we outnumber them.

Hey, what the hell??!

Hey, what's that beeping sound?

I'm sure it's just the wind.

Of course it's safe!

No, this tribe is peaceful!

No, I'm sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago.

Safety harness?

Wait, I thought he was with you!

What greencard?

Hey, what's this switch?

Don't move, you'll trip the sensors.

Yes, I'm single.

No, this cannot be, I am invincible!

So, you're sure this isn't loaded?

Calm down, of course I disarmed it!

What, I never signed any organ donor papers!

Well, it can't get any worse!

C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!

Don't worry, they'll never find us in here!

William, is that you?

They can't hit us at this range!

All you have to do is connect these two wires.

There's only one way to find out...

Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I'm the best there is.

These pills are awfully small.. I'll take a few more to be sure they work.

Stupid safety labels...

No, no, these are safe, I've seen birds eat them all the time.

Watch, I'll prove it!

Blast off!

Nah, they're blanks.

Speaking of lost, where are we?

Wheeeeeeeeee!

I know this great shortcut we can take.

Is that what I think it is?

What? Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinkable.

For God's sake, Kris, it was just a cheesecake

No, no, no, let me fix it!

Don't be silly, it isn't loaded.

I CAN FLY!

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Yes, the barrel of your shotgun is very clean.

What’s in this dark cave ?

"Bet you can't do this."

"I can't believe no one has ever thought of this before."

"Trust me, I'm on your side."

"I swear I shut the door when I left"

"That’s funny, I remember seeing the same guy on Americas Most Wanted"

"Lightning never hits the same spot twice"

"We’re home free"

"That’s odd!"

"Hey ya'll, watch this!"

"I do"

Wait; did that sign say electric fence?

No, silly, that's a dolphin fin!

Is that a real sword?

They did it in the Matrix...

Behind the wheel: zzzzzzzzzzz

What’s that red dot on your forehead?

 

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

 

Time to add another joke to the thread:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"

 

How do all racist jokes begin?

Spoiler

With a white guy looking over his shoulder.

I put the answer in a spoiler. I may need Tal's editing to make this work as I'm not seeing the spoiler.

Thank you kind moderator, whoever you were.

 

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary..

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.

--

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

--

A man walks into work with two black eyes.

His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

 

I had my leg x-rayed today..

The doctor told me, "Your patella measures 2.54 cm."

By surprise I said, "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied, "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷."