Random Relationship Babbling Thread (alias Relationship Rant Thread #2)

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very true. when i was a real dorko :geek: in 1st year high school (when talking to girls :/) i mistook kindness for affection

 

I can recall some such occurences in my life, but I think it wasn't really flirt-free. I think there are problems when people cross the limits of form or when they start flirting for fun.

About hints... aren't they sometimes a bit too subtle to figure out?

 

Yeah, hints are what their name implies - hints. If you want someone to get the idea clearly, tell them right out. Hints imply things, but then again, doesn't everything? Plus, with hints, you never know if the person understood, so you end up waiting, and it elongates the whole process. If you want something done, do it, don't imply that it should be done.

 

Dropping hints has a far lower success rate than just stating outright (at least in my experiences). Although I wouldn't be so bold as to be as blunt as "You pretty, me like you, let's make babies!" but I would bet your top dollar it would be more sucsessful than dropping hints.

 

Honesty is good... but remember that there is a thin line between honesty and bluntness.

 

No, you can be honest AND blunt at the same time. There is, however, a thin line between bluntness and insensitivity.

 

Bluntness is still more effective than dropping hints and often far less damaging if the answer is no. This applies to all aspects of a relationship from the inquiry to start relations, to refusal, acceptance and even dismissal.

Sure, if you want romance go for the subtle hints, the lone rose on her desk with note attached 'From your secret admirer' but you'll soon realise that those fun and games will often lead you on a merry little goose chase and somebody will make his intentions plain as day and she'll go with him, all this time you've been wasting money and time on roses.

Save your romance for someone you're in a relationship with.

 

The problem with hinted or implicit or otherwise alleviated refusals is that their politeness and kindness often relies on leaving at least some hope. I've even got a percentile number once. Seriously, though, bluntness is good because it leaves no false hopes and the process of coming to terms with rejection and getting over it can start faster, as I see it.

However, bluntness has to be real. You can be blunt without being honest. You can hint at romance all the time, flirt, exchange sparkles, whatever, and then say bluntly that nothing has ever been or will ever be. That's blunt but not so honest. However, it's probably a good cure for infatuation...

And blaah, secret admirers are no good. They do good to someone's ego in most cases, but it's not like you can just say your name in the open finally and get all the credit back to you like that. Good hints that you want romance are such that can't be misinterpreted but the recipient doesn't have to reply immediately. And doesn't have to go through the dumping routine if not interested, but can just hint he or she is not. If it's a girl, she can get the hint and drop you a counterhint by starting to tell you how she loves her boyfriend. Or that she likes someone else that way or a specific type (different from you), can't handle a relationship at the moment, and so on and so forth.

Or you can always tell her to stop pretending she isn't into you. It sometimes works.

 

If you're, say, George Clooney and it's a movie, sure

 

I always thought loving your wife meant you would want to spend time with her. I am so confused right now. As much as I consider my feelings, I can't see that I love her any less, but lately I can honestly say that if I only saw her 2 days a week, it wouldn't bother me at all. I just don't seem to enjoy spending time with her like I used to.

We will be married 12 years this June 18th, and I have never thought of leaving her once, not even now. I married her for life. But right now I am seriously considering to start travel nursing, so I can spend more time away from her. I don't have any romances or inappropriate relationships on the side, and I am not thinking of going away to find any, but we just aren't getting along right now.

I tried to talk to her about it the other night and her reply was "we don't have any problems". I tried to persist and say that at least "I" did have problems, but she said we didn't have anything to discuss right now. WTF, a woman who doesn't want to talk about problems. There is no chance that she has a side relationship, and her behavior really hasn't changed towards me at all. But still, something is wrong, and I don't know what it is.

This is more than just a rant, if there is anyone out there that has any advice, I would really appreciate it. I am on the verge of getting proffesional counciling, but there is no way she will even go if she doesn't want to talk to me. She is a very private person, and would never admit to a stranger that we are having problems.

I feel like a stranger in my own house, and I can't take much more of it.

 

It might just be a difficult time, or it might be sign of a storm brewing in the horizon. There's not much to do until you and her sort out whatever issues you currently have. Of course, having never been married, I'm not the ideal reference on the subject ... all I can do is send my best wishes that you two can work things out, for the better or for the worst. I cross my finger it will be for the better.

Alright, now it's my turn to rant. This time, it's not about me, but about a delicate situation with my brother. He has recently began dating a woman... everything is great so far. I've met her tonight, and that's where the problems begin. She definitively NOT my brother's type - she strikes me as a cold, selfish, heartless gal. My instinct tells me this relationship will turn out badly. I have thought of telling him about that - but this situation is a basket of crabs - he's completly mesmerized by her, and probably wouldn't listen to my advice. *sigh*. Oh brother, I'd beat some sense into your head... but I guess you will have to see I am right the hard way.

 

Brallrock, sounds tough, because the usual advice of 'talk about it' isn't working. I suppose it depends on how long this has been going for. My meagre experience would be that sometimes people go through odd phases that they sometimes snap out of for no obvious reason. But I guess that's pretty useless advice actually.

 

Perhaps you could find someone like a counsellor or psychologist and ask him or her what might be the cause of your wife's behaviour, Brallrock? They rarely want to talk without hearing from the other person, but you could ask them what causes such behaviour in general. Someone must finally have worked with a similar case or read about one. Then you would know how to approach your wife and make her come out of her shell.

I'm really not an icon of life experience because you've been married for what's half my whole life, but it doesn't look to me like something normal, routine and passing. A woman pretending that the problem doesn't exist so she wouldn't have to deal with it isn't so atypical. But when you say you want to talk and she says there's nothing to talk about, it's extreme. Besides, it's somewhat rude, and if you two love each other like you do, it must be something extreme, then. There is a chance that she's overblowing a relatively simple concern, but I think she has a serious problem and it would be good to look around for professional help. As I said, perhaps without her participation in the beginning, for the better.

Good luck dealing with it.

@DotW: Cold, selfish and heartless women have a lot of binding power. It takes a while to snap out of their charm. Abusive types are difficult to part with because the bonds they create or reinforce are massive and tight. In my experience, cold hard logic is about the only way apart from simply seeing too much on one's own eyes. There's also a chance that the cold type is not so cold but in fact having a raging volcano of various diverse emotions bottled inside. And that would be issues. When it comes to relationships, the constructs that people with some kinds of issues build are very difficult do deal with or crawl out of.

But on the other hand, everyone has some kind of issues and it's situations what makes people act like that, so I think it's generally better to be understanding and genuinely kind unless it really gets out of hand.

 

@ Brallrock - What exactly do you mean when you say that you aren't getting along? Her behaviour with you may be a large indication of what the problem is but you might not be able to see it because you are too close.

The dynamics of marriage change after some time. After 7 years of marriage my husband and I definately don't get along if we spend too much time together. I would say it has a lot to do with the balance of power in our situation.

Every situation is different but I suspect that there is a deeper personal situation that is going on with your wife and since she is a private woman then she is internalizing her conflict. That isn't healthy but she may be unable to communicate her feelings to you.

Your solution of spending time away from each other may not help the situation either. Although time apart may seem like a good idea to keep the peace, your time apart may become a habit for both of you and the gap will widen. I would suggest being adament about talking to her about the problem whether she admits there is one. Even if she doesn't appear to listen or gets upset at your pushing the issue, she will think about what you have said.

 

That makes a lot of sense, Chev. I have decided against telling my brother about my bad feeling and simply observe from my neutral grounds.

I've considered the possibility of issues through and through, and you know what, I realized I appear just the same - and I too have some raging emotions deep within, so I guess you might just be right.

Perhaps I've been hastily judging, perhaps my instinct is right, I don't know. I can but study, and learn. If things get out of hand, however, I WILL step in. I hope it won't come to this.

 

@DoTW - Exactly, stand back. Your brother wouldn't appreciate you getting involved even if you are completely dead on right about this woman. Hopefully the relationship fizzles fast.

 

Not getting along means we don't spend harmonious time together, we aren't doing things together so much as in the same room. Normally if we watch TV together we talk, and communicate, make comments about the show. Now she gives short comments if I say something, and doesn't bring anything up of her own. If something is on that she doesn't like, she goes into the computer room and does stuff there. We don't talk about sruff at the dinner table any more either. Its up to me and the kids to make conversation.

Another big thing was last wek on our trip she hardly talked at all, (on a 9 1/2 hour trip) when normally we would have talked almost the whole time. We aren't persay fighting, but we don't seem to aggree on things as much. I have analyzed my behavior as much as possible, and I don't see any changes in me. Its not just me, my 11 y/o came and asked me tonight if things were OK with me and mommy, so she sees it too.

 

Brall - if your 11 y/o sees it too, then something is obviously wrong. The wind of change is blowing, it would seem. Hope the change it brings is for the best.

As for my brother, standing on neutral grounds is difficult. It's not hard to imagine that I'm not exactly overjoyed to see my brother heading in what seems to be a self-destructive relationship. Still, if that's the only way for him to see I am right, then I will stand away and let him learn the hard way. He's asked me if I had plans for the weekend - for friday, more precisely. I asked why, and he said "Just curious". C'mon. I'm not dumb. He wants to have a nice candle-lit dinner, and then bone her - it's obvious. Fortunatly, one of my friends invited me over to spend a few days at her parent's country cottage - just me and her - and I've taken the invitation. It will certainly be refreshing to spend a few days with her, I haven't seen her for a pretty long time. Oh, and before any of you wonder - she's just a friend, nothing more. She's not my type. And besides, there is this one special little lady I have grown fond of. I'm not saying more than that.

 

If she's not a romantic kind of friend, then why do you even mention her and why do you go to such great lengths in justifying yourself, DotW, pray tell?

Righty, righty, your brother seems to have failed his will save. But he might still make it on reroll.

@Brallrock: What DotW says. If I were in your shoes, I would demand to talk and also find a psychologist or someone like that to talk to about it.

 

I decided to try the romantic route and got a dozen roses and an all purpose love/suck up/I know things are toough right now card, and will leave it where she will find it when she gets up. Maybe flowers will do what words can't.