Relationship Rant Thread #3

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Hmm... that's a tough one, Ara.

This situation is a minefield: take one wrong step, and you're screwed.

Still, seeing as this is her ex-bf, I don't really see why you couldn't possibly be with him. But on the other hand, if she's your friend, then this complicates things.

I know how you feel, Ara. I really do. There's one thing I can say... do what your heart longs for. This just might be your chance to happiness.

 

The Ex is always off limits. It typically is the fastest way to ruin a pre-existing relationship is by dating that relationship's Ex.

This just isn't what I've picked up on. Hell, I've seen newspapers give whole pages to this topic, trying to explain as to why people are so possessive of their ex and why picking up the ex of a friend can destroy a friendship.

It's probably appropriate to ask whether the friend to the special guy can bring one more happiness and go with that. Just don't do anything you can't live with doing (or not doing for that matter).

Also just because a friend tells you that you're okay with dating an ex, it often doesn't mean they are okay with this (I've seen this too many times).

In the end it comes down to how much closure there is between friend and ex.

 

I come here to have a look what't happening, although I shouldn't, and look what I find. One of my favourite peeps in Trouble...Nice to see you back Ara BTW.

Now considering my own experiences about dating a friend's ex I'd have to say it all might boil down to how much you value your friendship. You might still get along just fine, but if you date her ex it might always be this awkward thing between you two.

I know it's a terrible thing to say, but I am glad of the choice I made, but then again I wasn't that close with my friend as you seem to be with yours.

Now what ever you do and if falling for him is just something you can't help:

Don't rush it.

Perceverance brings fortune, so take it slow. And Do Not Make It A Secret. You wouldn't have secrets from your friend now would you? Not on this.

Getting the green light from your friend, having her say that it's ok isn't enough. You need to get her blessing for the two of you if you want to maintain her friendship. Blessings are not something you get by rushing things.

Now good luck, with everything you do, and take care. I'll get back to my studies now, seriously.

Ta ta!

 

Why is the ex always off-limits? This is a concept I don't buy - there IS a reason why the relationship failed - and one shouldn't scrap a chance to be freaking happy because of a friend. Hell, one of my friend wanted to pick up my ex, because he felt for her, and he asked me if I was bothered by that. "Why should I be? If this is indeed what you want, go for it and never look back." - just for the record, they've been together for a couple of years, and they're doing well. Last time I spoke to them, they wanted to get engaged, and he even wants me to be his best man when they get married, because it's in their plans.

Of course I appreciate the fact that he DID asked me if I was bothered - but I wouldn't have gave a flying f*** even if he didn't asked. My freaking ex isn't my damn property - she's old enough to know what she wants, and who am I to hold her back? My friend wants to be happy with her, why should have I held him back? For the sake of friendship? Oh please. Maybe I have an odd sense of loyalty, but to me, friends are expandable.

F***'s sake, stop being so selfish and possessive, people. Nobody owns anyone.

 

Relationships with friend's exes (or exes' friends) can be quite damaging to the friendship in question, sure. However, I don't get the possessive thing. It seems to me that the American culture (and whatever other cultures that emulate it) knows exes as a special category of people. I believe it's wrong: you either are in a relationship or are not. People seem to put exes off limits, award exes some special status, some privileges... that's just blurring the distinction between a relationship and lack thereof.

Of course, I would always wonder why the friend dumped or was dumped by the ex, what the problems were etc. Probably wouldn't really hit on a friend's ex just because she were fun to be with, but should anything start transpiring on its own, I wouldn't block it if I were single.

 

Ditto. Like I said, there's a reason why the relationship failed, and nobody owns someone. Of course, everyone is entitled to their own views on the subject.... but an ex isn't something special.

Ditto again. Why scrap a chance of possibly happiness for a friendship?

 

Rubbish. My good friend got engaged to one of my exes. Good luck to him, but he's still my good friend.

 

Once upon a time I had sort of a relationship with a friend and classmate of the girl before. It didn't work but it lasted longer than the aforementioned preceding affair. As far as I know, there was no open conflict.

 

To be honestly, I'm not exactly sure why on an emotional level as I don't even care what my currents are doing, but 9 times out of 10, I've only seen or heard of bad things happening.

Also from a psychological level, there are going to defensive mechanisms around the ex, ego protection and all.

The Ex is either "them", the enemy more often in break ups, which the friend commits an act of betrayal by siding with the "enemy" or the ex is still subject of amorous feelings and friend commits betrayal by moving in on someone already "claimed".

The idea that dating the ex is okay as a byproduct of the rare clean break or that the ex is off the table via subplanting the ex with or statisfying relationship is a big assumption.

Expecting a person to make the most logical decision and acknowledge the absolute end of the relationship and the absolution of emotional ties is quite a lot. There's a lot invested in most relationships and that investment usually doesn't just go up in smoke when things go south.

A relationship, however, that was short lived or uninvolved maybe one you could sneak in on, simply because there isn't the powerful bond that will continue to exist as time goes on.

 

Yeah, bad things happen as a result. And yeah, ego mechanisms chime in. Still, I have a major problem with people who move on to further relationships but still treat exes as claimed.

The only reasonable thing I can think about is the fact that the ex would normally fall out of the clique, whereas, by relationship with a friend or relative, he or she stays in. It could awaken a lot of bad memories and maybe even inspire jealousy -- that plus the enemy thing. But I'm a big anti-fan of the ownership notion and when people need quality time with exes, I tend to see that as bull****, unless it actually serves some healing purposes (which it might). Going out with exes when one has a new relationship is something people do, for instance, and something I have a huge problem with. I don't have a problem with one-on-one with friends of the other sex, but I have a problem with going out with exes as a special category of people you go out with, e.g. "Yuppee! My ex is taking me to the lunapark tomorrow." Everyone deserves some time to sort things out with exes (and I'd make it a firm push rather than reluctant allowance), but so long as there are hopes of reunion, people shouldn't have new relationships.

This said, I can't imagine myself with a woman who's broken my friend's heart... or wasted so much of his time and health that he had to dump her. Just don't see it. Unless the ex had been wronged by the friend actually, it just wouldn't happen, I guess.

 

Finally talked with my girlfriend about how I felt... basically, what I found is that she is not comfortable talking about how she feels, which is not helpful at all because I don't know whats going on... It is slightly frustrating, and of course, I can't talk my way into it because she can't talk back, which leads to an endless cycle of me wondering why she can't feel comfortable with me, her telling me that its not me, and then me trying to tell her that it is fine if she talks with me. Blargh?

 

Sorry, but I'm starting to feel it's as much about the matter as it is about the activity of talking not being comfortable. I think she just prefers to be left alone with it. Don't prepare yourself to be dumped, but prepare for the possibility.

 

That's bad. Real bad. I echo what Chev said here. Hell, somethins is VERY wrong if she doesen't speak to you about what she feels...

 

Instead of hijacking the RBP, I thought what Iku said deserved further discussion in here.

I hear ya. I too, unfortunatly, have speeded up bonding between some people, to my own dislike. That's why I never introduce any of my friend to each other anymore.

It's ironic that we have an uncanny knack at bonding people together, yet, we ourselves have the hardest times at finding someone for us. Unless some f****** miracle brews ahead, I'm through with relationships and I will find my own way alone - for me, that's how it was meant to be, it seems.

 

Hehe, I hear you.

 

Yup, it's so ironic you really don't know whether to laugh or cry. Well I'm not actually shedding tears but it makes you wonder, doesn't it. How can we see that spark between other people and how obviously some people are just compatible and miss the signs when we're concerned?

It bugs me that you can't really take all the credit for it since they would've ended up together sooner or later, but with just you nudging them to the right direction it just happens sooner. That means they won't return the favour, which would solve my problems, since I don't even know where to look for this girl of my dreams.

I mean I literally shoved them into each other's arms, but can get a 'thank you'? The ingrates... A couple of psychology students did say one time that they wouldn't have gotten together if it hadn't been for me pointing the way. Then a while back they separated, but now they're back together. I guess that's one more feather to my cap...

In some sense it's a blessing as sometimes it feels like a curse. Less mistakes for me to make if I never get the chance. I guess I might be picky, but it would take a very special girl to put up with my stunts and maybe that's part of the magic. As we try to find that special someone, we get to think a lot about relationship dynamics and compatibility issues giving us insights which help us bring other people together.

But it does feel good to get to make these small acts of charity every now and then, doesn't it.

 

Not when the girl that you involuntarely end up matching is the one you've been having a crush on. That's unfortunatly the case I found myself into, more than once. No, it *does not* feel good.

It's a complete curse, if you ask me. I being people together almost by pure accident. So, where's the analyzing of the relationship dynamics in this? A friend meets another of my friends, BAM, love flies in the air, they're together, I lose two friends and I got f*****.

Just kill me now before Cupid gets pissed that I stole his job.

 

I hear you, DoTW. There was that girl I had a crush on, sort of, and she was visibly much inclined in my direction as well, but I had to tell her to take a break from guys altogether because that was what she needed. And what? It lasted like 2 months, the regret. Just had a soft spot for her in between subsequent failed romantic attempts but even that ended before I last saw her. Things like that just happen. And it's not like girls I've sort of liked haven't been coming to me for advice with guys. Oh well. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so cheers!

 

Yeah, what doesen't kill you makes you stronger... but there eventually comes a point where one just can't take anymore.

I hold a sad record of getting cheated on, and even if things doesen't come to that point, sooner or later the relationship withers and dies.

I'm not closed to whatever awaits me (though I'm not expecting much), but as you can obviously see, I'm so jaded you could carve a monument out of me.

Fortunatly, I can focus on the plans I have for the future. That'll give some kind of a sense to my wretched existance, I suppose.

And if the onslaught of negativity offends anyone, then I don't care.

 

Cheers, Chev

@DoTW: Dude, I don't mind. I'm so jaded myself that I have to make myself think happy thoughts all the time. Otherwise I'd go biting other people's heads off.

I even found out a while ago that my ex has started to see someone else already. She says that she's more than happy with him. I'm cool with that. Seriously. I am so very cool that hell might freeze over.

I'm taking it pretty well, but I can't help thinking that she played me like a harmonica. I don't mind that she's seeing another guy, I'm not jealous or anything, and in some sense this makes me feel that I now have the permission to move on. But that lying - cheating - little... woman..She might have been sorry for what she did, but she doesn't seem to be sorry enough...

*phew* That's one trip down to Memory Lane, to where I should forget how to get, lose the map and the directions.